The Five Lessons I Learned During the Births of My Two Children

I am a father... again!!! On June 19th, a day before her due date, my wife and I had our second child, a little girl. What I was most excited about was the number 19. Now all four of us have prime number birthdays! How cool is that?

Okay, fine! I'm super excited about being a father again too. This time to a darling little girl. She is wonderful and calm and already has a quirky little smile whenever she passes gas (she got that much from me at least). Her volume when crying is about one-half her brother's volume at her age, and her frequency of crying is about one-tenth.

When we brought her home she relaxed even more as she slept for hours, waking only for feedings. My wife and I hovered over her as she slept, admiring the rolls under her chin, her pink skin, and her fluffy strawberry-blond hair. It's great to be home, great to have a family of four, and its really great to be done with another round of pregnancy... mostly done, anyway.

Now that I have mastered two very different deliveries, here are a few things that I learned and I thought I should pass on to any dads out there about to go through the delivery process.

#1: Do as you're told!

If you haven't learned through nine months of pregnancy that your wife is always right then you probably never will. But there's still time for some of you, so I will repeat it: do as you're told!

The moment those labor pains hit her, your wife is going to know exactly what she wants from that point onward. You need to leave your emotions at the door and listen to her every demand, whim, and craving. Trust me, trying to reason with her, or even worse, asking her to soften her message a bit, is not going to result in anything other than fire-eyed anger. So just shut off your emotions for a short period of time and listen to your wife. 

She knows exactly what she's saying at the time, and if she loves you she will apologize for it when it's all over. And even if she doesn't apologize, she still loves you.

#2: Empathy is king.

I have this book at home that I like to reread every few months called Brain Rules for Baby: How to Raise a Smart and Happy Child from Zero to Five by John Medina. Absolutely one of my favorite parenting books as it's filled with strong, science-based analyses of the best approaches to raising children. And it's super easy to read as well. Definitely a must for any new parents out there. But there is one section of the book focused on the relationship between parents. What it boils down to is that parents that regularly practice empathy towards each other tend to create safer, happier environments for children to grow up in. 

"Empathy works so well because it does not require a solution. It requires only understanding," writes Medina,

I truly have no idea the level of discomfort being pregnant can bring to a person. But my wife knows. After two child births I have learned to read her pain based on her facial expressions. I can't even begin to imagine some of that pain. It's frustrating when I can't really be the one to take that pain away.

But I can be there with her through the whole process. I can offer her ice chips when she's thirsty, and I can refill the cup when I spill it all over the floor. I can hold her hand and cheer her on. I can listen when she describes her pain or discomfort or how she can't feel her legs when the extra dose of epidural kicks in!

And practicing empathy shouldn't go away after the baby is born, guys. Try to identify what she is feeling, acknowledge it, and do what you can to help her. Make recovery as easy as possible for her. Trust me, this is important.

#3: Enjoy the bonding time.

Every picture of me with my daughter, she's in my arms and I'm just staring down at her. I still do this with her. There's nothing better than staring into the eyes of your brand new daughter or son and thinking, "I helped make this." And it's probably good for your child to spend some time getting to know you. Like your smell, your sound, and the feel of your two day's unshaven stubble on their cheeks. I'm sure they'll love you for it.

Those first few days at the hospital and the those first days at home are an excellent opportunity for bonding with someone else special. Spend some time with that awesome lady that delivered your child. Take advantage of your time together. Your lives just got a whole lot more complicated with the addition of this new life, so celebrate together as neither of you get any sleep whatsoever those first few nights. (And a little empathy-based hint: If your wife is breast-feeding, stay up with her those first few nights at the hospital while she's feeding. It will help her stay awake, the three of you will get some bonus bonding time, and you won't look like a giant tool when the nurses come in to help and you're snoring away on the couch.)

#4: Take lots of pictures and videos.

When our son was born, my wife and I were so overwhelmed with being first time parents and all of the chaos and crying involved with that, that we didn't get the amount of pictures and videos we wanted. With this little girl I was able to stay focused enough to take lots of videos and pics. I got some really good ones too! Unfortunately, the only one I sent to friends and family was a picture of the little girl, freshly born, covered in all of the slime and goo from her time in the uterus, and a great big scowl on her face. And it took me a few days to send some good updated photos to all those folks. That very picture was posted for weeks on the break room wall where I work.

Having a new baby is not all fun and games. A lot of it sucks and it can be a very difficult time for everyone. So take lots of pics and vids. Delete the ones that give you bad memories and keep the amazing ones. Those are the moments you'll remember in the years to come anyway.

Trust me, you'll want to relive all of it someday.

#5: A choice between a steak/lobster dinner and mac and cheese is no choice at all!

So you've done everything your wife has asked of you, you've got empathy spilling out of every orafice, you've bonded with everyone every way you know how, and you've filled two phones with pictures and videos of your daughter's first snot rockets. Now what?

Food, of course! 

Depending how your hospital functions, they may provide food for you and your wife (You're still paying for it even if you don't see a cost. It's going to be built into the final hospital bill, so take advantage of it.) Get as much food as you can while you're at the hospital, because as soon as you get home you're going to have to figure out how to cook with a new one around.

One trick I learned is to take advantage of visitors. Everyone wants to come see the new bundle of joy as soon as she arrives. Ask them to bring a food item when they come. If you plan it out right you can have one visitor bring entrees, one bring drinks, and another desserts. They'll be happy to help you out and excited to see the baby, and you and your wife can eat dinner in peace while someone else is holding the baby.

And the most valuable lesson I learned is that if your hospital offers you and your wife a celebration dinner of steak and lobster or one of the regular entrees, go with the regular entree. Steak and lobster may sound great, but its still a meal prepared in a hospital kitchen. I had great mac and cheese the night before. I wish I had chosen it again...

Adventures in Fatherhood: Part 1

The first few moments I saw my son were filled with joy, terror, and then extreme joy.

Heather and I spent the nine months previous to Rowan’s birth wondering what our little guy might look like. I hoped he wouldn’t get my ears (I didn’t want him growing up being called “Dumbo” by all of his classmates the same way his father was), and I wanted him to have his mother’s blue eyes and pretty nose! But nothing could compare to the first time I saw this little creature in the flesh!

My first glimpse of Rowan was when he was yanked free of my wife’s body, his tiny torso swinging through the air (okay, he wasn’t all that tiny, weighing in at over 9 lbs, the little porker!). The nurses plopped him down on the warming bed for some quick prep work before they launched him into Heather’s waiting arms for some skin to skin time with mommy.

Looking down at the two of them I thought, “Wow! That’s my son in my wife’s arms! He sure is beautiful! And such a funny shade of blue too. Should he be moving more? OR AT ALL?”

Everyone in the room realized that our little boy had not yet taken his first breath. The nurse grabbed him and launched him once more back to the warming table. They poked, prodded, and rubbed his legs and feet to try and get a response from that little blue bundle.

Panic took my wife and me. For just a few seconds we had held the little guy we had hoped and dreamed about for nine months. Now he was snatched away, and we could only stand (or lay, in my wife’s case) and wait and hold our breaths until he took a breath! That was the first moment in my life that I truly understood helplessness.

A cough! Our little man took his first breath! Another cough or two (probably triggered by the blue bulbous tool stuck down his throat to suck up his lung juices) followed by his first real cry. Such a beautiful sound (at the time, at least)! His color returned and his cries continued.

Heather and I exclaimed over how beautiful he sounded and how relieved we were. And then the most exciting thing happened! He heard our voices, opened his eyes and turned his head to find us. We had talked to him in the womb for months (sometimes reading, sometimes singing) and he recognized our voices and wanted to find us. What a thrill! I know he couldn’t see very well, but he looked all over to find us. Our boy was breathing and he recognized the voices of his parents!

After a few more minutes we were finally able to hold him. His crying stopped and he stared up at us calmly for two hours before falling asleep for the first time outside of the womb. It was an amazing two hours! It was such a long day, and being able to hold, talk to, and love our little boy made it worth it!

That was the first few hours of my adventures in fatherhood, and all I really did was stand back and wait. It would be the next few days that proved to be the real challenge!